Papaw: You Will Always Be in my Thoughts, R.I.P.

Well, my Grandfather, Lee Shope, or as I liked to call him, Papaw, passed away this past Saturday, June 13th, 2009. He was battling cancer, and to see him go was honestly a great relief. I miss him and love him like crazy, but I now know his suffering is over.

He was diagnosed with lung cancer just this past February. We soon discovered that he was in stage four, the final stage. From there, we all set to make him well again. We went to James Cancer Center in Columbus where they put him through every test imaginable. They told us his cancer was inoperable also. He was very bad, but they still yet gave him a chemo treatment and sent him home.

After he was sent home, he continually went to the hospital down here because he said he couldn't breathe. He would go to the hospital where they would give him a breathing treatment and send him home. The only problem was that he didn't have a breathing treatment machine at home, and he continually had to keep going to the hospital. Finally, he grew so bad that he was spitting up infection. He eventually stopped breathing, and Dr. Saab done emergency surgery and inserted a chest tube into his lung to drain out the infection. Pure pus drained out for weeks. It smelled terrible in his room, and they really didn't even know if he would make it through the night. But he did. The previous chemo treatment should not have been given, because it messed up his chance of fighting the infection in his lung, which was also collapsed, we later found out.

However, he grew better, and went home with the chest tube, and received radiation to help fight the infection. He still yet underwent blood transfusions to keep him well, and even had a blood clot in his lung, which was dissolved with blood thinner.
He then started his chemo therapy. It was very hard on him, and each treatment made him deathly ill. We wondered how long he would be able to handle it. Finally, the pain he had was more than he could handle. He was in severe pain in his back. So, they gave him morphine, and switched him to something else. However, he didn't want to take it because he thought that since Tylenol had more milligrams, it would help well. We could not convince him that narcotics were better for the pain that he had. He would continually call for an ambulance, and go to the ER in the middle of the night, hoping they could ease his pain. Also, during this time, he would not eat because pain meds made him sick, and also the chemo. So, he was less than 100lbs. at this point. He did not understand that he was terminally ill, and nothing but taking his pain meds would ease his pain.

They finally had a doctor that told him since he was terminally ill, he needed to take what they gave him. He had a break down that day, and we really thought he had finally understood. He knew that he was dying, but we really thought it finally hit him that day.

However, it didn’t. He ended up in the hospital again soon, which was Sunday of Swap Days for me. He had a very harsh doctor (who also told my sister that she had food poisoning when she was hemorrhaging from a tubal pregnancy, and almost died 2 years before) that told him he had 3-6 months to live. From here, he went into a severe depression, and started going out of his right mind. He was given nerve medicine to try and get him back under control. However, those medicines made him hyper, and he quit sleeping. He also weighed about 86lbs. when he was admitted into the hospital. They admitted him to “get the pain under control”. However, this stupid doctor, I believe, drove him over the deep end.

So, he stayed restless, and was no longer able to really communicate with us. He would talk, but it was too difficult to understand. If I came in, he would say “Hi Shelly”, when I greeted him, but he would soon forget who I was. He got so bad and restless, they ended up restraining him in a chair that looked like a highchair for adults. The last great memory of him is when they gave him a balloon, and we hit it back and forth to each other. He couldn’t talk to me, but passing that balloon back and forth from the high chair kept him busy. His eyes would get huge, and you could see a slight smile on his face. It was precious.

So, he was admitted on Sunday, and by Friday, they decided they could do no more for him. They thought since he appeared fine that his pain was under control. Also, even though he was out of his right mind, medicine was not helping. So I guess they thought he was beyond help, and the cancer was simply taking over. They did however, do an MRI of Papaw’s back, and also his brain. They found some cancer activity in his back, but not enough to cause the severe pain. They also discovered that his brain had shrunk, on the side that controls motor skills. They told us it was irreversible, and that was why he was so shaky. They said it may be caused from radiation, chemo, malnutrition, and a number of other things. They also said his sodium level was really low, and that would also cause confusion.

So, Friday, when Mom and Grandma arrived at the hospital, they were told that Papaw was being released and they wanted to know if it was better to go now or after lunch. They were floored that Papaw was being released, so they said after lunch. His doctors had arranged for him to go to Best Care Nursing Facility in Wheelersburg. It broke Grandma and Mom’s hearts to have to put him in a place like that, but they knew that he required 24 hour care, and they were not able to give it to him. Hospice dismissed us stating that Papaw “was not Hospice material”.

So, Papaw was transported, and Mom and Grandma set about completing the paperwork at the nursing home. I arrived at that time. We were told the first 20 days was free, and that whole speech about liabilities. Mom also changed Papaw to a DNR patient, (or Do Not Resuscitate). This also broke her heart, but her and Papaw had talked and Papaw wanted everything medically possible done for him AS LONG AS THERE WAS HOPE. However, at this point, with brain shrinkage, there seemed to be no hope. Dr. Inoshita also had to stop the chemo, since Papaw was no longer in his right mind.

So, Mom, Grandma, and I, finished the paperwork, which was a 2 hour process, and we were finally able to go see Papaw. When we arrived in his room, we were horrified to discover he was sideways in bed, with his head handing over one side and his feet over the other. Had we taken ten more minutes, Papaw would have been in the floor. He also had no oxygen, and he is supposed to have it 24 hours a day. I was the one to notice this. Mom and Grandma were terrible upset, and we wondered how we could even leave him here. They told us, it was against the law to use bedrails on the bottom, which was what Papaw needed since he moved around so much with his nerves. However, his bed was in the center of the room. Mom was crying hysterically and went to go talk to Dad on the phone. Grandma and I stayed and waited for the nurse. When she arrived she helped us move the bed against the wall, and also get a pad on the floor, in case he fell off. She also got his oxygen for him. Mom came back, and my sister Tiffany, my Aunt Tammy and Tammy’s boyfriend Jeff arrived.

So, we all sat and were trying to think of what to do, when a nurse came in. We asked for bedrails and she said no, there was nothing she could do, and said it very rudely. She added that if he fell out of the bed enough, they would finally just put his mattress of the floor, and he would sleep down there. This set off Tammy and Mom again. Mom finally just laid in the bed with Papaw and hugged him to her and cried and begged him to go to sleep. Finally, a nurse arrived with a breathing treatment, and everyone but me decided to step out for a moment. So, I took advantage of the opportunity to lay with Papaw also. I hugged him to me, and prayed that God would send him rest. I also held his breathing treatment in place. This was a special moment for me. I rubbed his back, and he finally fell asleep. Everyone came back, and he was still asleep, so we decided to go get something to eat.

So, Grandma decided not to go with us. She was horridly upset and simply wanted to be alone. So, Mom, Tiff, Tammy, Jeff, and I all went to Giovanni’s for a meal. It was kind of fun. Jeff is a crazy person. He stole spoons and the parmesan cheese and pepper seeds by putting them in my Aunt’s purse. He even acted like he was going to take the pitcher with him. We were cracking up, and it felt good to laugh after such a hard day. Mom even grabbed the artificial tree that was standing by the door and started walking off with it. We were cracking up, and the employees just sat and watched, wide eyed and amazed… It was funny. My sides hurt from laughing.

So, from there, Mom and I decided to head home. I was house sitting my boss, Ryan’s house, and had dogs to feed. Mom just needed some time for sleep. So Tiffany, Tammy, and Jeff decided to stop back at the nursing home and take Papaw some chicken noodle soup. He was asleep when they arrived with his dinner, so we figured (and hoped) he might eat something. So, I arrived to Ryan’s, and sat down. I finally put my phone on a charger. However, Mom soon called after what seemed like ten minutes. She said Papaw had started chocking on the soup and quit breathing. We believe he was aspirating everything into his lungs at that point. So, Mom was rushing back to the nursing home, and I also did. I made it to Wheelersburg from outer Minford in about 13 minutes. When I arrived Mom was straddling Papaw and was holding oxygen to his face. She was bent over him with her face close to his, with her hair handing down, just crying her eyes out and telling him to take deep breaths and that he was going to be okay.

Papaw brushed Mom’s hair out of her face and her tears away and cried himself. I believe he came back to his right mind at that time. He grabbed Mom and also Tammy, and just hugged his two daughters to him. It was a touching moment, and I don’t think there was a dry eye in the room. So, I later found out, that the nurse on duty who was very nice didn’t really know what to do when Papaw lost oxygen. Tiff almost passed out when Papaw stopped breathing, but she did call Mom. It is hard to tell what might have happened if my sister and Aunt had not been there. Also, when Mom got there, Papaw’s oxygen level was only 81%, which is VERY low. Since the nurse didn’t know how to help Papaw, Mom assessed the situation and immediately set his oxygen at 5, instead of 2. The nurse didn’t know to turn it up. So, Mom got him stable again, and basically saved his life. So, we decided he should go back to the hospital to find out why he was losing oxygen. That had not happened since the chest tube incident, and we thought maybe his lungs had fluid again. So, they transported him by ambulance, and I got to ride with him. On the way there Mom called my ”boyfriend” Deke and told him about it. He was hours away in Meigs County, but he rushed home to be with me.

So, from here, most of my whole family arrived which included people like my aunt Debra, cousins Cody, Clarissa, Bub, a great uncle, and still yet Grandma, Mom, Tammy, Jeff, my sister, and my brother in law Sean. We all waiting to see what would happen, and took turns visiting Papaw. The troll who guarded the door only allowed two people at a time in Papaw’s room. So, they gave Papaw dose after dose of different medicines for pain and his nerves. He never did fall asleep however, but he was more attentive to us, and seemed to try to communicate a little better. They finally arrived with results from a chest X-ray. They said it was no different from his last one, and they didn’t really know what happened. We waited to hear if he was going to be admitted. Finally everyone became exhausted, and I volunteered to stay all night with him, and find out what was going to happen to him. I was supposed to call if they didn’t admit him. So they all left, and Deke and I sat up camp in the ER. Papaw was still yet incredibly restless and continually pulled off his oxygen and the oxygen monitor on his finger. I had to keep putting them back so he was okay. I believe that moment when Papaw was attentive again was our moment to tell him we loved him. I think God knew we needed it.

The doctor finally arrived in Papaw’s room and told me that he was not going to be admitted. I was amazed. I thought to myself, “how in the world can he go back to that nursing home!? They are going to kill him!” So I voiced that opinion. I told him we would not send him back there, and they needed to talk to someone else. They said that Dr. Provasnik wasn’t available, so Dr. Woodard had made that call. I told them no. No more nursing home. So, they decided to call Dr. Inoshita, the cancer doctor. Dr. Inoshita, I must admit, is an amazing person. He never told Papaw he had a certain amount of time to live. He is a very caring man. So, I was happy to discover Dr. Inoshita was willing to admit Papaw. So, we arrived at the hospital around 10:30 that night, and by 7:00AM he was being admitted and placed on the third floor. So, from there, Papaw was placed in a new bed, with a new oxygen monitor (that he actually left on!).

I pulled out the sofa for Deke, because he was falling asleep sitting up. I tried to sleep off and on. However, when Papaw’s oxygen got below 85% a loud alarm would go off and I would stumble out of bed, because I knew he had jerked his oxygen mask off. So I would tell him to breathe with me, and his oxygen level would return to a safe range. Papaw seemed out of it again, but I was happy to stay all night with him. I knew his days were numbered, and I felt safe for him knowing I was keeping his oxygen going.

When I finally lay down to sleep a nurse came and got me out of bed. She said I had a phone call. I arrived to the nurse station and discovered that Hospice was on the phone. She asked me if we had considered putting Papaw in their care. I thought, “Duh, we have talked to hospice and conducted meetings!” Previously Hospice would not take him into their care because they didn’t know how much longer he had to live. They said since it seemed to be more than two weeks he wasn’t “Hospice material”. So I told them, I would have my Mom call them whenever she arrived. I also got a phone call from my Aunt Debra, and informed her Papaw was admitted, and we were going to try and get some sleep. I didn’t call my Mom, because I knew she needed the rest. So, from 7 until about 9, I fought sleep and oxygen with Papaw. It was heartbreaking, but like I said, I was glad to be there. At 9 a nurse came in and I asked her if Papaw had received any pain meds and a breathing treatment. She said he had not, and asked if I wanted him to have Dulatin. I called Mom, since I knew nothing about his medicine. She okayed it, and said she would be by soon. Finally Mom, Grandma, Debra, and Clarissa arrived, and I took advantage of the opportunity to wake Deke and get something to eat.

We went to the cafeteria, and I told him I was fine and that he could do. He hated leaving me, but I knew he had things to do. So, I walked back into the hospital, and ran into a friend from church. She was on her way to go to another lady from church, and I tagged along. I wasn’t there long. I didn’t want to be away from Papaw… So I got back to his room and Mom was hysterical. She asked me why I hadn’t answered my phone and that I should keep it charged and really chewed me out. I was mad, and told her I stayed at the hospital all night, and really snapped back in a way that I shouldn’t have. I immediately felt bad and apologized.

However, a Hospice nurse arrived and told us that he had only hours left to live. They honestly didn’t even know if he was going to make it on the ambulance ride to the Hospice center. So, we cried and cried and cried some more, and I called Deke. He came back and we went to the Hospice center.

Papaw did survive the ride, and by that time the rest of the family had arrived: cousins, aunts, siblings, everyone. We knew his life was about over. He got settled, and a nurse came in and said he had about an hour. More time passed and she said he had about a minute or two, because she couldn’t even find a blood pressure. At that point, I was up by his side, kissing his head, and simply asking God to take him peacefully. It was then that I heard my Mom say, “I think that was his last breathe”. I cried and left the room.

So, that was it. Papaw died, and he died peacefully. He was down to about 80lbs. He simply looked like he was asleep. We all left and went to Grandma’s. This was Saturday. The next morning my Mom went and picked up her brother Kevin from the bus station. He said as soon as he stepped off the bus he knew Papaw was gone and he didn’t make it in time because Mom and Tammy were crying so hard.

We also made the funeral arrangements that day. The funeral was set for Tuesday. We had a family get together and made poster boards with Papaw’s pictures. I even titled one “Mountain Man”, since that was his nickname. It included his hobbies, which were animals, hunting, and fishing. It was cute. At the funeral, I picked two songs, which were “Go Rest High On That Mountain” and “Amazing Grace: My Chains Are Gone”. They also played “I’ll Fly Away”. It was a nice service and I was happy to be there: for my family, for myself, and most importantly, to say goodbye to my Papaw. He looked really good also. He was decked out in his snakeskin cowboy boots, his “Shope” belt, and even his camouflage shirt and Cabela’s hat. He was buried not even 5 miles from his house, close to his swamp, and the place he loved.

It is Thursday now, and everyone is doing okay. Grandma is redecorating her house, and eliminating some of the deer hunting things. She loved him, but she was totally overrun with Deer stuff. He was an avid hunter… Mom is also doing well. She still doesn’t sleep very well at night. She still cries, and keeps thinking of him brushing away her hair and tears. She cried all the way home the yesterday because Grandma gave her one of Papaw’s deer heads, his pride and joy.

It just seems so weird that Papaw is gone. In December, he looked fine! He was just diagnosed in February. It all happened so fast. Like Mom said, she was so focused on making him well, that she didn’t even think ahead to “what if he doesn’t make it?” I just hope and pray that she is okay.

I honestly feel great. I know that Papaw is in peace. He made it to Heaven. When he found out he was sick, he got rededicated, and committed himself totally to God. I take comfort in the fact that him and God are doing his famous “Snake Dance” at the pearly gates. :)

This whole experience has been hard. I have never been near a cancer patient, nor have a seen someone dwindle away so fast. I have never been with a person when they die, let alone be kissing them. It is touching, and something I will never forget. This whole week has been terrible. I broke up with my boyfriend Deke at the worse time. I told him I was seeking a closer walk with God. So, I have to deal with Deke wanting me back and Papaw’s death. Deke was with me through it all, even though we were broke up, but I still need to seek God’s will. I can’t thank Deke enough, but I have to listen to what God wants. This whole week has been hard, but I really feel closer to God, and comforted by his grace, and mercy. Last night in church, I knew God was keeping me in his thoughts and giving me strength. I love God and this whole experience with Deke and Papaw has opened my eyes to God. I just pray that I continue on the path of righteousness. I want to be the Christian that God wants me to be. I want to be with Papaw in Heaven someday. I want to do Papaw’s Snake Dance with him. I want to see Papaw again.